Start With Yourself

If you follow women in business on any level, it is likely you've heard of the British born businesswoman, entrepreneur, and fashion designer Emma Grede.

While Grede has been a force for many years due to her business acumen, her face and selected sound bites appeared on/in virtually every mainstream tv and print news outlet over the last four months at a heightened level. Grede's surge in notoriety came with the publishing of her debut book, Start With Yourself where the not one to hold back co-founder and CEO of Good American, stays true to her reputation. And although she doesn't care one but, the internet was ablaze with women who felt that some of Grede's advice was ridiculous, out of touch, or just plain insensitive.

From her take on "soft ambition" where she believes too many women are playing small and suffering the consequences thereof; to her take on the potential harm women who want C-suite promotions are doing to themselves by working from home; to her take on three hours of quality time with her children being enough, Grede ruffled quite a bit of feathers giving birth to explosive social media debates, a host of content creator videos, and even an in-person book discussion dinner among strangers hosted by a New York social media influencer.

As a fierce advocate for Black women, the visionary of Black Women Shining, and one who recently finished reading Start With Yourself, what I feel many have missed amidst a rush to discredit Grede is her overall clarion call for more women in positions of power. Did the first Black women investor to appear on Shark Tank, make controversial statements in her book? Yes, she did. Did I agree with everything she said? No, I did not. But when I heard the self-made millionaire mom of four and chief product officer of Skims tell Oprah Winfrey during their Oprah Podcast conversation that her main objective is for women to step into their power, I heard all I needed to hear.

In 2007, film mogul Tyler Perry released the hit film Why Did I Get Married? There is a scene in the film where Michael Jai White's character Marcus breaks up a verbal altercation between his wife Angela, played by actress Tasha Smith and his baby momma Keisha, played by actress Keira Akita. At one point, to the chagrin of his baby momma and to the amazement of his wife, an exhausted Marcus agreed with his wife about the inappropriate behavior of his baby momma. But, because Angela was so fired up, and so annoyed at the possibility that her husband was taking his baby momma's side and so fixated on her determination to be right or have the last word, not only did she keep arguing, but she also totally missed hearing her husband take her side. That miss caused Marcus to say the following: "You women are so used to fighting that y'all don't even know when you've won."

Eighteen years later, I hear Marcus's words as it pertains to so many women "coming for" Emma Grede. After watching more of these videos, interviews and reading more blogs than I can count, I have joined forces with White's character in concluding that as women we are so used to arguing. We are so accustomed to taking everything personal. We have been so scarred by other women that we can't hear when one of our own is actually taking our side or rooting for us. Interestingly enough, not one of the women rebuking Grede mentioned or caught that the core of her position is more women in positions of power. Not one. It was as if the controversy of her sound bites cancelled out all that she has done and continues to do to help arm women with tools, confidence, and access.

This brings me to something else I noticed amidst all the bashing discord. The irony of Grede's book title, in my opinion, is that Start With Yourself are the most powerful three words she has spoken since the PR campaign around her book took flight. Of her own admission, Grede's desire was for her book to be a conversation starter. She intended for women the world over to interrogate what we're putting up with, why we're afraid to talk about money, our inclination to put everyone else first, and why being nice will not get us far in a male dominated work structure. At the same time, Emma Grede aside, I wonder what would happen if we interrogated why we are so quick to tear each other down? I wonder what would happen if we received start with yourself as an invitation to examine the tension, anger, envy, or dislike we carry for one another as women? I wonder how many more victories we could have if we stopped fighting each other and collectively joined forces to come against sexism, racism, colorism, ageism, and all the other manmade isms designed to siphon off our power by making us think we aren't deserving of any?

Inasmuch as I am keenly aware that the combat zone that is social media has trained us to believe that the loudest, rudest, meanest, most sensationalized arguments get the most likes. I dare to submit for your consideration that retraining oneself to rebuke meanness and return to kindness is also a lovely way for women to start with yourself. Learn more about Emma Grede here. Watch Emma's podcast here.